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This is something I've been thinking about blogging about for a long time but it's a difficult subject for most, including me, to discuss. With the recent death of Robin Williams, there has been much talk about depression and suicide. I personally have been battling depression for the last year and a half. It started after my dad died. I didn't know how to cope. I felt like no one could understand what I was feeling or going through not even my siblings who too, had lost their father. No one had the exact same relationship with my father that I had so no one could possibly even begin to understand. I tried expressing my feelings to my husband and other friends and family but it didn't matter what they said. I couldn't stop the sadness and regret from flooding my mind and heart and sometimes taking over my whole body. There was one day between my dad's death and his funeral where I completely lost it. We were getting ready to leave for Utah for a week to tie up my dad's affairs and bury him. I was taking care of my 4 year old and almost 2 year old in our tiny 900 square foot apartment the day before we left. I was doing way too many things at once (laundry, packing, finishing the collage, working on the picture slide show, working the funeral program, AND taking care of the boys, etc.) All of a sudden I felt like the walls were closing in on me. My 4 year old asked me for something (I can't remember what) and I snapped. It was like some flipped a switch. Before I knew it, I was balled up on the floor whaling. When I could finally breathe, I picked up my baby who had started screaming and grabbed my phone and started calling everyone I trusted with my children to come relieve me of my mommy duties before I completely went nuts. It was a very sad day for me. It was the first time I had to say "I can't be a mom right now". In retrospect, I'm proud of myself for doing that rather then trying to "hang in there" and end up doing something I'd regret. During that time in my life I was constantly surrounded by loving and supportive family and friends and yet I never felt so alone in my whole life.
Its been 18 months since I lost my father. And in those 18 months I've had many more sad and life changing experiences. But as the saying goes, "time heals all wounds". It gets easier with each passing day. I have days though where I again feel like the loneliest person on the earth. I still have a difficult time expressing my feelings to those around me. I kind of have to force myself to share my emotions with others. It just seems like no one can say the right thing to me. Nothing anyone says makes me feel better. But when I'm so lonely and sad that I feel like no one understands or I have no one to turn to, I know that is when I need to get on my knees and turn to my Savior for understanding. HE does know EXACTLY how I feel. HE DOES understand me and my emotions. HE WILL always "show up" if I let Him in. I will always let Him in... 