Forgive

I'm sorry.  These two words are difficult for almost anyone to say but make the person they are spoken to feel better much of the time.  I'm a very sensitive person.  My feelings get hurt pretty easily.  When I worked part time at target for a couple years I ran into some really interesting shoppers.  They did and said some pretty crazy things that hurt my feelings sometimes.  Most people I dealt with were super nice but there were some that just made my skin crawl.  (Working retail requires a thick skin which unfortunately I don't really have.)  One time as I was folding shirts in the juniors department, I had a woman walk through, browsing and leaving a small wake of a mess behind her as she shopped.  Suddenly this woman stopped at my side.  I immediately looked up at her and asked, with the sweetest voice I could muster after watching her destroy my department, "Can I help you find something?"  This woman, while looking me straight in the eyes, asked in the snarkiest voice, "You have to fold ALL these shirts?!"  I replied with a "Yes ma'am."  She then rolled her eyes and with a disgusted tone in her voice said, "UGH!  I'd shoot myself!"  REALLY!  Luckily for me (and this guest) she walked away right after telling me I should shoot myself.  Initially, my jaw dropped and I kinda wanted to slap her.  But then I started to tear up a little and I felt sad.  My job was not glamorous or fun.  It was tedious and annoying.  I cleaned up after people for a very meager wage.  I so wanted to tell this lady that I was folding these shirts to make money to help support my family.  I wanted to tell her that I have a BA but I have 2 little boys I'm home with during the day so I had to find a night job.  I wanted to tell her how much I miss my family every night I'm at work.  I wanted to tell her I'd much rather be kissing my boys good night and relaxing with my husband then be here folding shirts.  I wanted to ask her what her problem was with me?  Now I know that her problem wasn't with me, it was with herself.  Fortunately these kind of interactions between me and other people don't happen very often.  Today I was speaking to a very wise friend who told me that when people say or do things negative its not about you (the person its being said or directed to), its about them.  I feel like women more so then men take things personal more frequently.  However, if my friend is right, and I think she is, we shouldn't be asking ourselves things like "Why doesn't she like me?" or "What did I do to her?" when our feelings are hurt by someone else.  Instead we should be asking ourselves "Why doesn't she like herself?" or "What is going on with her?" or "I know this isn't about me.  I forgive her."  Forgiving is so much easier then being upset or angry. 

Before I got pregnant with Jacob I went through a super difficult time in my life.  My husband and I were struggling to get pregnant, I was working almost full time and going to school full time so I could finally graduate with my BA, I was dealing with some self image issues and I was struggling with my relationship with my father.  I found myself so angry with my dad that at times it affected almost every other relationship in my life.  I was starting to get physically ill whenever my dad and I would have an unpleasant interaction.  One day after I graduated from college and finally had some time for myself, I was sitting on the couch and picked up the Ensign (for those of you who don't know its a church magazine we subscribe to).  I came to an article about forgiveness by Henry B. Eyring.  Towards the end of the article there was a paragraph that seemed to be written just for me.  It talked about how God commanded us to obey and honor our mother and father.  It went on to say that that means we need to forgive them when they have done something to hurt our feelings.  We are not honoring anyone who we resent and don't forgive.  I remember sitting back and starring at the ceiling.  I thought about the bad feelings I was holding onto about my father.  I then got on my knees and prayed to my Father in Heaven that He would help me to forgive my dad.  I also asked my Heavenly Father to forgive me for not obeying such an important commandment.  As I rose to my feet I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I felt lighter and happier.  I was no longer angry or upset.  I forgave.  The next time I talked to my dad I did not actually say the words I forgive you but I'm pretty sure he could tell something was different.  I was different. Forgiving made me better. 

When my father passed away last year I was so grateful that I had followed that great commandment from our Father in Heaven and obeyed and HONORED my parents before it was too late.  I had enough regrets to deal with when my father passed away (I didn't call him enough for one) that I'm so relieved that I didn't have to regret something like not forgiving him while he was here on the earth.  Forgiveness made it easier to grieve. 

Forgiveness leads to happiness and for this reason...
I forgive the snarky target shopper.  I forgive the women who have hurt my feelings, past and present.  I forgive my father.  It feels good to be forgiving.