Love

I have always believed that there is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone.  I love my parents, I am IN love with my husband.  We all come into the world the same way.  We are born, we have a mother and father, and sometimes siblings.  Most of us know our parents and love them from the first moment we understand what love is.  We love our parents not only because we want to but because we need to love them.  We rely fully on them for our safety and security.

When you are IN love with someone, it is a choice pure and simple.  I don't love my husband because I need him.  I make a choice everyday to love him.  I chose to be his wife on June 21, 2003 and I continue to honor that commitment because I chose to.

Once I became a mother I learned something new about love.  I learned what it meant to love someone unconditionally.  From the moment I felt my 2 sons kick and flutter inside me, I loved these little beings unconditionally.  I didn't even know what they looked like, what sex they were or if they would love me back.  None of that mattered.  They were my children and I would love them NO MATTER WHAT.   Fast forward to today.  Jacob is a very busy and sweet 5 year old who I have to tell to do something on average 3 times.  Andrew is an energetic and loving 3 year old who will be happy one minute and have a full blown tantrum the next.  I get upset and frustrated at some point almost everyday but like the mother in the famous children's book I will "love them forever, like them for always" because they are MY children. 

Last year I again discovered something new about love.  For the first time in my life I lost not only 1 person that I loved but 4.  My father died from an accidental drug overdose in January.  In May my grandmother (father's mother) fell into a coma and passed away a few days later.  Then at the end of July my other grandmother started showing signs of dementia and died in her sleep.  Finally in August my best friend of 17 years and I had a huge falling out and she decided she didn't want me to be apart of her life.  I loved each one of these people immensely. 


My relationship with my father wasn't always an easy one to keep up.  He had a short fuse and temper to boot.  He was always the victim and everyone else was always out to get him.  As a youth these vices were directed at my mother but as his 6 children got older and my parents divorced he started to focus his rants on us kids.  I often didn't like my father's actions but I never stopped loving him and I never stopped telling him that.  At my father's funeral I stood with my 5 siblings in the receiving line as we greeted guests.  I was so grateful that all 6 of us could say that the last thing we said to our father and in turn the last thing he said to us was, "I love you." 

My grandmothers were both amazing women.  They exemplified what a latter day saint woman should be.  They loved and served their families and friends unselfishly.  They supported their husbands through their service in the military and church callings.  They each raised 6 children.  My grandmother's were and still are my hero's.  They both endured to the end of their lives.

My friend and I were more than friends.  We were like sisters.  We did everything together and we told each other everything good and bad.  She was one my bridesmaids when I got married, she was the first person I told I was pregnant after trying for 11 long months, she was present at both of my sons births  and was "auntie" to my sons.  I knew with the same surety that my husband and I would grow old together that she and I would also grow old together, holding hands with our husbands at our sides.  Through the dimize of our friendship, I never stopped loving her.  My actions were because I loved her so much and because I had watched her just a few years earlier crumble to pieces while I stood by and did nothing for fear that I would lose her friendship.  I acted this time around because she had made me promise her not to just stand by.  She had me promise to tell her the truth no matter what.  What I saw as the truth, she saw as lies.  What I saw as loyalty, she saw as betrayal.  What I saw as love, she saw as jealousy.  In the end what I was most hurt about was that she abanded my sons.  They were innocent.  They never did anything to hurt her but yet they had to grieve the loss of someone they loved and someone they knew loved them too.  It broke my heart to try to answer my 5 year olds questions of where his auntie was.  My heart still aches for the loss of this friendship. 

So what did I learn about love last year?  I learned the truth behind the age old phrase "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all".  All 4 of the people I lost last year taught me, shaped me, and loved me.  I am the person I am today because of their love for me and mine for them.  I am so grateful for the trials of  last year that helped me gain a better understanding of love and helped me to love my family more intensely.  I know that the love of my Savior is what carried me through the fog I was in last year.  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me more than I could possibly comprehend.  Love, is the strongest force in existence.